6- How do you tell someone they have spinach in their teeth?
Have you ever walked around at a gathering, laughing and joking with old and new friends, only to find later that the spinach-dip appetizer has been stuck in your teeth the whole time? It’s been obvious to everyone else but you! Why didn’t someone just point it out and save you the embarrassment and bad image?
Sometimes other office behaviors are the equivalent of the spinach-in-the-teeth faux pas for you, your peers, or your firm. To help you get ahead, you need welcome opportunities from colleagues to change those behaviors, and step up and give purposeful feedback your peers.
Most people refer to this as constructive criticism. However, the term criticism has come to be known as a negative term and this is all about becoming better. Most people need a paradigm shift to view this as a growth opportunity to save the spinach-tooth embarrassment! For your peers, you need to find a way to help them see the value in changing their behaviors without making them feel threatened or insulted.
Let’s say you are at a client meeting with a technically strong colleague. During the meetings, they are quick to dispatch any concerns from the client with a barrage of technical and theoretical ammunition. They are always correct, and they have an answer for every question- usually before the client finishes asking it. Yet, it’s pretty obvious that they interrupt the client, don’t listen to the questions, and aren’t getting to the root of the client’s needs. Charlie Brown once said, “I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.” If your co-worker’s poor meeting etiquette has become a tradition, get engaged and say something. It is likely that they don’t recognize the mistake and you (and your company) will benefit from sharing purposeful feedback on their meeting style.
Giving purposeful feedback is a skill that is easy to learn, but can be difficult to master. Do you think this doesn’t apply to you because you are an entry-level employee with no one currently reporting to you? If so, you are wrong. It is important that you start practicing how to give purposeful feedback as early in your career as possible. Building this skill will enable both you and others around you to improve, and it will help you establish yourself as a leader with a valued, worthwhile opinion.
How can you give better purposeful feedback?
Be prompt! Immediate feedback is best. With your busy schedule, you are often already on to the next thing before you remember to provide feedback. If you don’t give meaningful feedback right away, it is unlikely that it will be remembered, and even less likely that any agreed upon actions will be completed. One way to provide feedback when it is fresh is to schedule it into the event. Set aside a few extra minutes after your sales call or presentation to discuss the work product and offer feedback as soon as the task is complete. In the example above, you could schedule a 5 to 10 minute “debrief” after the sales call. Having the feedback discussion in a timely manner will help both of you.
Be Positive. The simplest starting point is to monitor both your verbal and body language. People want to work with positive people. Use constructive words and open body language. A friendly smile and positive tone in your voice will enable you to start a meaningful conversation. At the same time, be sure to check your body language. If your arms are crossed and you are leaning back, the other person is likely to think that you feel the conversation is a waste of time. On the other hand, if you face the person directly, with uncrossed arms, and lean into the conversation you will send a powerful message that the conversation is important and that you are going to be attentive throughout the process.
Ban the “but”! Can you see yourself in this scenario- “You did a great job with those technical questions, but you could have done x,y, and z better?” This is a common form of meaningless feedback. Setting up feedback by saying something positive is the first part of the conversation. Remembering not to use the word “but” is the second. In the language of purposeful feedback – the word “but” does not exist! Giving someone a compliment and then under-cutting it with a “but” disarms the receiver and discounts the previous positive tone. By being aware of this, you will be able to better control the conversation.
Use open-ended questions. Consider how the previous example could be changed to “Thanks for coming along to that client meeting. Do you think we understood all of the client’s concerns?” By starting with an acknowledgement of the work performed and ending with and open-ended question, you can guide the conversation to a new solution that is mutually beneficial. Be prepared to ask several open-ended questions from your queue. These should start with “how do you…”, “what could you…”, or what are your thoughts on…” among others. Eventually, you will both get to a point where actions are identified that can improve future work products.
Comment based on your observations. If you are fairly new to the workforce, it can be intimidating trying to provide purposeful feedback to a senior employee with more experience. Just remember- they can’t argue with facts. Pointing out the things you observed is a good way to engage in the feedback discussion without expressing an opinion of poor performance. “I noticed that the client was really engaged during the schedule part of the discussion. Did you notice that he started checking his phone when you were telling him about all of the research from the university? Why do you think we lost him there?” By re-stating a few of the facts, you will be able to focus on the work issue, not the person, and have a more meaningful discussion.
Offer advice, set actionable goals, and follow up. After you ask open-ended questions, develop a list together that can be used to improve on the work product. By gaining agreement on actions that should be taken to meet desired goals, the person will have ownership of the issue and is more likely to apply the new information. If the conversation stalls at any point, go ahead and offer advice. This can be as simple as sharing an experience you had in the same situation or as complicated as diagraming solutions. When you have the options in front of both of you, ask the person to select one or two actions, commit to a timeline, and ask how you can provide support. This support can be as simple as a weekly check-in to see what progress they have made, or offering to participate in a mock “role-play” of an upcoming meeting.
Using these steps to provide purposeful feedback will enable you to help others as you grow as a leader.
What other tips have you learned for giving purposeful feedback?
