8- It’s about them, not you.

At least once a month for the past five years I’ve ordered an Italian cold cut sub for dinner after a late night at the office. Last month my local sub shop did the unthinkable! They changed their bread.

Unappreciative of the new bread, I decided to try a different sub shop on the way home. I was pleasantly surprised when, after I dialed the number, the man on the other line asked what my phone number was and then what my name was. After I gave him the requisite information he said, “Okay, Shana, what can I get you?” The courtesy continued. When I arrived at the shop to pick up my order he went out of his way to say “Thank you, Shana, for visiting us today.”

I will definitely be returning to that sub shop!

Have you had a similar good experience? It feels great to hear your name. Studies have shown that when people hear their name, as compared to someone else’s name, a different part of their brain lights up. Whether it is in person or over the phone, you can harness this psychological truth when communicating with your clients. People like to hear about themselves, so the more often you can refer to them instead of you, the more successful your interactions will be. Master this skill by changing your writing and your phone mannerisms.

Change your writing

How can you refer to them, more often than you? The first step is to be more aware of how often you use the terms I, we, my, and our. If you like me, without any training I found myself using these phrases on average four times more often than the you or your phrases that reference the other person.The easiest thing to do is print a draft of your e-mail before you send it. Next, circle the terms that refer to your client and put a box around the terms that refer directly to you or your team. Ideally, your e-mail has a lot of circles and no boxes. However, you will likely be surprised to see how often you use words that refer to you instead of them.

Next, try re-writing several sentences to shift the frame of reference from the author (you) to the reader (them). For example, instead of “I finished reviewing the information and we believe that the best course of action is for us to take additional samples,” you could try, “Thanks, Jan, for sending this over. Based on the information you provided, further sampling is recommended.” Ideally, you would be able to change every sentence to refer back to your client. However, for most business writing, this is unrealistic. My advice is to use the 1:3 Rule. If you refer to yourself only 1 time to every 3 times you refer to your client, you are more likely to activate a different part of your client’s brain and get the result you were hoping for.

Consider how the e-mail below, with a 6:1 ratio, could be re-written. As shown in the 1:3 example.

You can, of course, over-use someone’s name. For example, consider if the sub shop owner had said “Hi, Shana,” when I walked in. Then ”Ok, Shana, your order is ready,” when I walked up to the counter. Finally, he might have ended with, “Here you go, Shana. Shana, can I get you anything else? Thank you for ordering from us, Shana.” Overusing someone’s name can be viewed as condescending and curt. Use your judgment and when in doubt, use the 1:3 Rule and then read your document out loud to see if you captured the intent of focusing on them without over-doing it.

Change your phone mannerisms

Similar to the writing exercise, you should pay attention to how often you mention yourself on a phone call versus how often you mention the client. Again, I recommend keeping a tally. However, you would be a poor listener if you more concerned about keeping track of words instead of actively listening and participating in the conversation. In this scenario, show a co-worker this blog and as them to listen to your conversation and keep score for you. Just as in your writing, once you recognize how often you refer to yourself you will be better able to control the conversation.

Another tip is to repeat the client’s name several times during the conversation. Repetition has the added benefit of helping you to actually retain and file the name for later use. If you are interested in reading more about how you can learn by memorization, I suggest reading this article. Consider this practical scenario: When you answer the phone you can repeat he person’s name- “Hi, Jan, how can I help you today?” As you discuss your mutual business, you can continue to find ways to work their name in. For example, if you have a disagreement you might say, “Okay, Jan, I understand your point.” Similarly, at the end of the conversation, make it a habit of repeating their name again- a simple phrase like, “Thanks, Jan, I will get back to you tomorrow,” will help you keep the focus on them and remember their name for the next conversation.

Another important step on the client-focused conversation ladder is to focus on the telephone conversation. Regardless if you are the one who initiated the call, or if you happened to pick it up- Stop whatever you’re doing and take the phone call. If it’s important enough to take the time to pick up the phone, it is important enough to stay focused. People always know when somebody’s not fully paying attention. One thing I do is write down the name of the person I’m talking to and continue to take notes under their name. Having this visual cue will help you to focus on the client and have a more productive conversation.

Use the 1:3 Rule as a guide for powerful, client-focused, conversations. Sharpen your written and verbal techniques and focus on the other person. If you continue to practice these skills, your client will leave each conversation with a positive impression of you and your company and remember to call you the next time they need help!

What other tips do you have for focusing on them and not you?