5- The 3 Golden Rules of Giving and Receiving Impactful Compliments
One of the most frustrating things for young professionals can be receiving feedback. In my experience, feedback comes in one of three forms: Compliments, Purposeful Feedback, and Negative Criticism. By learning to decipher the feedback code and react accordingly, you will grow both personally and professionally.
This is the first of a three part series examining the three main forms of feedback. It takes some people years to learn how to appropriately handle feedback in a way that moves work relationships forward. I’ve boiled each of the forms of feedback into simple steps to help you get ahead faster!
Let’s start with everyone’s favorite form of feedback- Compliments.
Remember when you were in kindergarten you learned how to read “Spot the Dog?” You came home with a gold star sticker because you learned something new. We were all conditi
oned at a young age to please people we have relationships with. Imagine if, instead of getting a gold star, your behavior went unnoticed. How motivated would you be to learn to read at a higher level? The best leaders, like our teachers when we were young, know that in order for us to grow, we need to have meaningful positive reinforcement often. To be one of those leaders you need to learn how to receive and provide meaningful positive feedback.
By applying these 3 Golden Rules of Compliments you will be better equipped to give and receive impactful compliments:
Rule 1: Accept and Acknowledge
What do you do when you are complimented? If you are like me, when I first started out as a new employee- receiving compliments is a bit awkward. I remember my boss telling me how great of a job I had done on writing a technical paper. He went into specifics on why it was good and how much he appreciated me taking the time to research, understand the topic, and not just regurgitate previous author’s work- but instead add something new. My response was “It’s no big deal; I could’ve done more research.” My response should have been “Thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to review it.”
Do you see the (not-so-subtle) difference in the two replies? The first reply is uncomfortable and downplays the success. Worse, without your acknowledgement
This is the most important rule of compliments- when someone gives you positive feedback start by acknowledging their feedback. It doesn’t have to be complicated. A simple phrase like, “Thanks for taking the time to provide meaningful feedback,” will suffice. Do not downplay your success. As a professional, you should celebrate your successes and learn from your mistakes. When you downplay your success by adding something negative such as “I should’ve done better” you are both doing a disservice to yourself and questioning the person giving the feedback. By accepting positive feedback with a smile and a “thank-you,” you will make the person giving the feedback more comfortable and feel good about yourself and your work.
Rule 2: Give more than you receive!
Consider for a minute how it feels when you get that gold star. Why not share that feeling? If you like to get compliments – others do as well. Most of the “rules” I live by personally, and professionally, involve a 3:1 ratio. In general, you should give 3 times more compliments than you receive. This doesn’t necessarily mean that once you receive a compliment you should feel obligated to parrot it back. Instead, you should actively look for opportunities to provide positive reinforcement to others. Some people consider the 3:1 rule and then say they can’t find an opportunity to provide a compliment. It is easy once you begin paying attention to the work others around you are doing. Also, by reviewing other people’s work and looking to provide feedback, you are also giving yourself the opportunity to learn from their work by viewing it with a critical eye. If this doesn’t come naturally to you, start by setting aside five minutes at the end of each day to evaluate the day’s work. Was there someone that helped you or your team? If so take the time to give a gold star – you’ll not only provide positive reinforcement, you will also strengthen your relationships.
Rule 3: Be Genuine and Specific.
Don’t compliment someone just for the sake of “checking a box” because you read in some blog somewhere that you should compliment people. Think back to the last time you were in a crowded pub and the music was loud. They might have been yelling, but you could understand your friend when she asked if you wanted to share an appetizer. However, when the same friend told you a story about their toy Chihuahua learning to sit, after several “uh-huhs”, the conversation ended with “Are you even paying attention?” The same goes for giving compliments. People have an uncanny knack for knowing when you are not listening and are simply talking because you feel like you need to say something “positive”. When providing positive reinforcement to others be genuine.
In addition to being genuine- you should also be specific when giving the compliment. You can start with the basic “Great job!” However, if you don’t follow up with a description of how their great job helped you or the company, your compliment won’t have a as much of an impact. Instead, try phrases such as “Great job with that report. By completing it early you helped to keep the project under budget.” And if you’ve come this far, why not have a killer ending to the conversation? One of the most powerful phrases in the language of business is “thank you”. Adding this small sentiment shows your appreciation, makes the compliment more meaningful, and results in a significantly higher chance that the behavior will be repeated.
Accepting and providing feedback can be challenging. Unfortunately, this is one of the life skills that aren’t often taught in the classroom. By applying the 3 Golden Rules of Compliments you can be better equipped to give and receive positive reinforcement- which will result in stronger relationships with your co-workers . We’ll take a look at how to best manage purposeful feedback and negative criticism in the coming weeks.
What is the best feedback you ever received, and who provided it?
